Me, I'll take it literally.

I just found an interesting blog.. He further excites my interest in studying and finally going to Korea. Very interesting.. How I wish I got even the smallest part of The Matrix world wherein one language can be downloaded easily to my brain :)

I quote:

"As a persona in a soap, in 24 hours you have done what a centenarian has done in his lifetime. There is character development, you know your role, your purpose. You'll be able to travel to a lot of places, to be romantically loved, to be hurt and recover as if recovery is the next fastest thing to light...Yeah, I'd like to live in a soap opera. I don't wanna get tired. I don't wanna get sick and be confined for a long time. I don't wanna wear diapers or face the threat of being put in Home for the Aged. Yet I want to enjoy life, even if it is for just a short time. And isn't it that happiness, even in real life, ephemeral? So why not just live it on film?"

The thought made perfect sense about having a routine life... Maybe I'll go back to this pag nagsawa na ako sa pagiging bum but now?! I'll take it literally.. Little things like this, I take literally.. Maybe its one of the smallest stepping stone, but who cares? It keeps leading me to the path :)

Another that I would like to quote as I also refer as little stepping stone is this:

"Upon hearing “Ultra Mania”, I made up my mind that I had to become a singer. I want to [meet and] say hello to the senior I respect, and also discuss music [with him] afterwards."


After two years, when everything is right, I'll say the same thing at the same question..but not as a singer and "ultra mania" (I don't even know what that was!).. but more like a model and an actress upon being sooo affected by 3 kdramas! hahaha

Oh motivation just keep on coming!!! I'll receive you with open arms

new dream phase01

I found myself searching lessons to learn the korean language. It such a relief everytime I watch arirang and I'm saying to myself: Pupunta din ako dyan!! Hintayin ninyo ako.

It's the new dream that I found. I must do it in two years! Instead of bumming, I'm learning the language now thanks to pimsleur! Thanks a lot, though its really formal, I think I'll get to learn the informal through other sources that I've bookmarked in my browser. Now, I'm in half of lesson 10.. 20 more :) at least I'm excited about something. :)

my other half

This day has been terrible for me. I realized that I hate being bum... yet at some point I think God wants me to.

I cried a lot today... I found my other half. The half that wants a selected few true friends than what I have now. The half that's weak. The scared one. The lonely one...

All the problems that I ignored, everything that stabs me for the past year.. Even though I don't remember why, how and when those occured... Ngayon ko pa lang naramdaman lahat ng pain... Sabi ko dati, masama tong ginagawa ko..Darating ang panahon na babalik sakin lahat ng mga pinilit kong kalimutan, mga sakit at sama ng loob na hindi ko pinansin...

Eto na nga..dumating na! At ang sakit sakit.. napakahirap... Pag ikaw na lang mag-isa, naiiyak ka na lang.. You don't need a reason to cry and be lonely.. Parang lahat sila nagteam up at sabay sabay naghihintay ng "right timing".. When the mind and the situation is ready.. They're like a timebomb that's ready to explode with the right triggering element... For now, as always.. it is a kdrama..

Lord, I don't know what to do. It's me against myself! :( I'm so scared.. and yet until the end of the day, I'm crying like hell..

This other half believes in fairy tale but with all her mistakes and shorcomings, the people that she hurt intentionally and unintentionally, makes her dreams impossible to reach. Lord, be with me.. I understand.. Thy will be done. But give me this chance to let it all out.. Too many reasons, but I cannot figure which.. they're all coming back to me now...

Seems like the other half's fairy tale has no happy ending...

I realized now that there's a total opposite of what people knew about me.. This is the real me. Minsan lang lumabas pero totoo.. sira ulo at pathetic.

Crazy.. I've gone so crazy today.. The battle with my self is so painful... I've gone mental.. Di na ako kumakain.. puro liquid na lang.. Ganto pala ako pagdepressed, nawawalan ng gana. When food was I thought I loved the most. Nababaliw na ako. ang hirap hirap.. Lord, help me.. ang dami ko ng naiyak... Natatakot ako para sa sarili ko.. Nababaliw na ata ako... ang bigat bigat Lord.. I'm sorry..

Let me be.. I have to find myself pa siguro.. Salamat din at nangyayari pa rin ito sa akin mas nakikilala ko ang sarili ko. nasasaktan..sinasaksak.. mas nagiging tao..

Ako na iyakin...
Ako na takot..
Ako na mahina..

:( Di ko man lang nakuhang tumawa. Ang lungkot lungkot.. Eto na ba ang depression? eto na ba ang pinaka mahinang state ko? Siguro nga! Malamang.. I feel so helpless.. God.. How long will I be like this, I don't know. But something in me likes it.. I'm letting myself free-ier sa tuwing hinahawakan ko ung ulo ko at hindi ko alam kung anung gagawin ko dito.. sa tuwing napapahinga ako ng malalim at biglang tutulo ang luha... I missed myself.. I always give it to others.. I'm always giving out my positive side.. Now, I'm on my negative.. The negative half.. The negative half who can't reason, just cry.. Burst of tears falling nonstop.

Sa memorial kanina.. para akong mababaliw.. para akong sasabog. at ngayon.. sumasabog pa ulit. grabe namang kalungkutan to..

Geum Jan Di, Gu Jun Pyo.. Kasalanan niyo ba ito? o tinulungan ninyo lang ako? ..Salamat.. hindi pa ako makakabangon ngayon.. tsaka na ako babalik sa positive half kapag may nangangailangan na lang ulit.. Ngayon, ako muna... ako na magisa. ako na naghihintay ng fairy tale story. ako na naniniwala sa happy ending. ako na malungkot. ako na may hinahanap.. ako na iyakin...

Look at me at my negative.

star and moon

The star that wouldn't let go of the moon...

I don't know why I kept on watching this kdrama.. It only makes me more alone... more lonely..

Haaaay... ang bigaaaaat :(

Effects of kdrama

I'm sooo depressed... partly sa interview (which is a whole new embarassing story) but I think its more of watching Boys over flowers... Why do I have to reflect on my own life whenever I watch kdramas.. I kinda feel so pathetic right now. I want to meet the man of my dreams but..there's just so many buts..

I have done alot of wrong decisions or mistakes in this feild that I feel I don't deserve someone's pure love anymore.. I have given a lot already. All were huge mistakes. But I do learn that's why I'm afraid. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I do realize there's one thing I haven't given anyone... something pure and full...my love... Parang I have so much love to give. But afraid to give it to the wrong person..

Gu Jun Pyo.. in this kdrama.. It is you who turn my world upside down..Fun and kilig at first, but depressing in the end..

mannerisms, character, being driven... believing in fairy tale... so


...pathetic...



haay.. Talagang dapat affected ako lagi?!! :(