my other half

This day has been terrible for me. I realized that I hate being bum... yet at some point I think God wants me to.

I cried a lot today... I found my other half. The half that wants a selected few true friends than what I have now. The half that's weak. The scared one. The lonely one...

All the problems that I ignored, everything that stabs me for the past year.. Even though I don't remember why, how and when those occured... Ngayon ko pa lang naramdaman lahat ng pain... Sabi ko dati, masama tong ginagawa ko..Darating ang panahon na babalik sakin lahat ng mga pinilit kong kalimutan, mga sakit at sama ng loob na hindi ko pinansin...

Eto na nga..dumating na! At ang sakit sakit.. napakahirap... Pag ikaw na lang mag-isa, naiiyak ka na lang.. You don't need a reason to cry and be lonely.. Parang lahat sila nagteam up at sabay sabay naghihintay ng "right timing".. When the mind and the situation is ready.. They're like a timebomb that's ready to explode with the right triggering element... For now, as always.. it is a kdrama..

Lord, I don't know what to do. It's me against myself! :( I'm so scared.. and yet until the end of the day, I'm crying like hell..

This other half believes in fairy tale but with all her mistakes and shorcomings, the people that she hurt intentionally and unintentionally, makes her dreams impossible to reach. Lord, be with me.. I understand.. Thy will be done. But give me this chance to let it all out.. Too many reasons, but I cannot figure which.. they're all coming back to me now...

Seems like the other half's fairy tale has no happy ending...

I realized now that there's a total opposite of what people knew about me.. This is the real me. Minsan lang lumabas pero totoo.. sira ulo at pathetic.

Crazy.. I've gone so crazy today.. The battle with my self is so painful... I've gone mental.. Di na ako kumakain.. puro liquid na lang.. Ganto pala ako pagdepressed, nawawalan ng gana. When food was I thought I loved the most. Nababaliw na ako. ang hirap hirap.. Lord, help me.. ang dami ko ng naiyak... Natatakot ako para sa sarili ko.. Nababaliw na ata ako... ang bigat bigat Lord.. I'm sorry..

Let me be.. I have to find myself pa siguro.. Salamat din at nangyayari pa rin ito sa akin mas nakikilala ko ang sarili ko. nasasaktan..sinasaksak.. mas nagiging tao..

Ako na iyakin...
Ako na takot..
Ako na mahina..

:( Di ko man lang nakuhang tumawa. Ang lungkot lungkot.. Eto na ba ang depression? eto na ba ang pinaka mahinang state ko? Siguro nga! Malamang.. I feel so helpless.. God.. How long will I be like this, I don't know. But something in me likes it.. I'm letting myself free-ier sa tuwing hinahawakan ko ung ulo ko at hindi ko alam kung anung gagawin ko dito.. sa tuwing napapahinga ako ng malalim at biglang tutulo ang luha... I missed myself.. I always give it to others.. I'm always giving out my positive side.. Now, I'm on my negative.. The negative half.. The negative half who can't reason, just cry.. Burst of tears falling nonstop.

Sa memorial kanina.. para akong mababaliw.. para akong sasabog. at ngayon.. sumasabog pa ulit. grabe namang kalungkutan to..

Geum Jan Di, Gu Jun Pyo.. Kasalanan niyo ba ito? o tinulungan ninyo lang ako? ..Salamat.. hindi pa ako makakabangon ngayon.. tsaka na ako babalik sa positive half kapag may nangangailangan na lang ulit.. Ngayon, ako muna... ako na magisa. ako na naghihintay ng fairy tale story. ako na naniniwala sa happy ending. ako na malungkot. ako na may hinahanap.. ako na iyakin...

Look at me at my negative.