in denial trauma

This is usually the time where I put the necessary "regimens" on my face then turn on the TV and watch till I fall asleep. But now, after hearing the song "Cry" by Mandy Moore and "Home" by Daughtry, I felt the sadness. Being in denial is always my sakit. I can't believe that I'm approaching yet another end. More than the academics, the school and the professors, I know whom I will surely miss and that's why I'm so scared. I'm afraid of facing that day.. that END day! It's just like hours away.. and I promise myself that I would cry really really really hard when I would be facing it on my own. The faces that keep running on my mind are the people whom I can't believe I would ever meet and be this close with. I'm not that worried with OC or my IE group, because definitely I will see them again. But ECE.. it's just hard to swallow...

Last year about the same period of the year, I was very much like this. And I remember crying in the van going to my work after hearing songs that my memory somehow attached to them. But that was just 4 months of attachment. Talk about 3-4 years! Although I'm in denial of being in denial.. I know, My day will come someday... The day where I'll probably shout and cry it all out. What I'm not sure is when.. I hope it might not come earlier like Coursecard. My friends both from OC and ECE knows deeply how much I hate talking about the 'end'.. Wish ko lang makayanan ko ang tuksuhan sa coursecard.... Sometimes, I really appear strong, but I know I'm just kidding myself not to expose my weak side. Haaay..

Here I am again, keeping myself busy, not wanting to be alone, planning trips.. my own escape. my 'in denial' stage. oh End is my worst fear..

Who am I kidding?! The crying might even start tonight, unless kulang pa ang pagod at antok na binigay ko sa sarili ko para di na umabot sa "Thinking and reminiscing mode" before I go to sleep.. Tell me.. Am I pathetic? much I guess..


Now, may pahabol pa na song.. Faraway amp!! I don't want this night to the start.. shocks!! I'm very easily affected by that song.. sobra. wanted to text them at this very hour.. but then it'll just show them how much pain I've been hiding as if they don't know it.. I think they're just waiting for me to breakdown.. and yes I will soon.. very sooon... and I'm teary eyed.. God help me.

I love you guys so much!!! sooooo much!! I wanted to hug you before we go on our own ways... I really do but doing that might cause my tears to fall.. Love you